The Discipline of Awareness: What Might Get in the Way?
In my recent sessions with Barefoot Coaching Ltd, we stepped away from tools to look at something much more uncomfortable: The obstacles within ourselves. Specifically, we asked: What gets in the way of a healthy coaching relationship?
As coaches, we often feel a quiet, internal urge to "help." But where does that urge come from? During our group reflections, a few common (and honest) motivations surfaced:
The desire to be seen as competent or professional.
The impulse toward people-pleasing.
The need to be likeable.
That last one resonated deeply with me. There is a documented "competence vs. likeability" tightrope that many professionals (especially women) are expected to walk. Coaching requires us to be hyper-aware of these impulses so they don't steer the conversation away from the client's needs.
The Goal of "Planned Obsolescence"
A powerful realization from this week is that a coach is not meant to become indispensable. Ideally, the person we coach gains enough new awareness, perspective, and tools to move forward without us.
We are simply walking a few steps alongside them. Our success is measured by their ability to eventually walk away more capable than when they arrived.
The Ambiguity of Attention
For many people, a coaching session is the first time they have felt truly listened to—without interruption, judgment, or the other person waiting for their turn to speak. This level of focused attention is incredibly powerful, but it can create ambiguity.
Is this a friendship? A professional service? A supportive mentorship? Part of our responsibility as coaches is to hold that space with warmth and clarity. We must provide the support while maintaining the professional boundaries that keep the space safe and productive.
"You Can Only Meet Someone as Deeply as You Know Yourself"
This quote was a highlight of the session. It brings a raw, human element to the work. Clients bring their fatigue, their history, and their "triggers" into the room. But so does the coach.
Being aware of our own emotional state our "weather" is vital. If I am tired, stressed, or feeling a need for validation, that "weather" will inevitably leak into the coaching container.
Leadership Reflection: Whose Need is It?
This applies far beyond the coaching room. In Delivery Leadership, we often step into "fix-it" mode. We want to be the one who unblocks the team or saves the day. But it’s worth pausing to ask:
When I step in to help, whose need am I responding to theirs, or my own need to be seen as the "hero" or the "problem solver"?
I’m curious to hear from my fellow leaders: Have you ever caught yourself "helping" someone primarily to satisfy your own need to feel competent? How did you pivot back to their needs?
